The last couple of years i keep finding myself at almost lonely–a place where I am wanting a friend, a sister, (and when it gets real tough, a mom) to come over just because. One who I can be utterly transparent with, who can know my heart well enough that I can share the not-so-great thoughts with and then laugh about how 16-year-old Danielle was really into farmers. (I mean, I used to go to PCC just because there was cute farm hand who taught me about apples one time. Swoon.)
ive never seen so soft a rain. it looks almost like snow, but it is not mist. the birds and i rejoice because it will never cease to floor us that rain falls. then i look at the bird and wonder at its voice. sharp, clear, but (like the rain) soft. i have a theory that things only grow because the birds sing.
when it rains my chest feels full the same way it does in that moment in a song when the sounds become mimetic. i have a theory that the primary reason i’m still a christian is because i keep finding Jesus the most beautiful, the most true.(this is grace). today i am afraid that i enjoy waking alone too much to ever share the mornings with someone. i’d like to fall asleep together and wake apart so it is always just me, the birds, the rain. i have a theory that london was so hard because of the three feet between my bed and the window.
It is 5:21am. i am one of 4 left in the library. my computer broke down as i was finishing one of two final essays due (now in 3 hours) and has refused to work since. my new phone is shattered beyond repair and i’m just waiting to save enough money to fix it again (something about buying a new phone less than two weeks ago the same day as paying to get my car towed). my skin itches like crazy from a fun combination of sleeping a total of 1.5 hours last night and from all the salt in the jack in the box breakfast i ate when i woke up at 2am from my hour nap to recommence these essays due so soon. i’m writing an essay i actually care about (which hasn’t happened for a while) but the information i need to really pull it off is on that computer that won’t turn on. i’ve had a freaking ton of humbling conversations this week/this month/today and did i mention i haven’t slept?
but also, life feels pretty good. It feels bare, itchy, cracked and malfunctioning on most levels, but fine. When things just stop working it’s humbling. But i’ll get through today, and so will you and so will billions of people. It may not be the best day. It may actually be the worst day. People will disappoint you, you will disappoint people. God may feel the farthest he’s felt in a long time (holla), you may be the most frustrated with yourself and your roommates and your computer and your freaking cat and the way that girl in class taps her pencil during the final so you have to reread the question 70 billion times, but it’s just a day. And it’s still a gift. And there will be some downright shitty things about today and tomorrow and the next day and the day you fall in love and the day you have your first kid, but there will also be some beautiful moments in today and tomorrow and the day your heart is broken (again) and the day you realize it will be more than 6 months since you’ve seen your little sister.
Aight. peace out. it’s 30 minutes till sunrise and i wanna make some progress before i go catch that beautiful thang that happens every morning.