Common prayer, 22 July 2015

road4“Lord God, you reveal yourself to us in so many subversive and unassuming ways. Give us the eyes to see the miracles and resurrection that happen every day. Unclog our ears to hear you, and show us how to get rid of the clutter of our lives that we might make room for you. Amen.”

I can only deal with the past when I search for the resurrection. I can only find the resurrection when I am healed from my blindness to see mystery of the life. I need deep faith to believe the mystery that I am loved by God in order to stop being a consumer (of friendship, of accomplishments, of accolades, of fading bliss).

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Common prayer, 22 July 2015

i feel beautiful today

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partially because my skin has finally cleared (i credit coffee grounds and coconut oil) and my hair is clean and i’ve been eating well and running lots.

but mostly because i feel at peace. i feel receptive to beautiful things and reconciled to the part of me that is always crying (for you, for my friend, for those gone, for those broken, for me). i feel ready for the long hours of studying today, the long test tomorrow morning followed by the long catching up for the long grad school Faulkner class tomorrow night followed by the long night of packing before the long flight home and the immediate doctors appointment.

I feel present here. and beautiful because life seems to be swirling and full of interlaced pain and joy of things i do not understand and cannot fathom. i feel present in the unseen vestiges of love in me and the unseen swelling of my heart for those near to me and the bucolic nature of morning porch swings. i feel present in the open chord on the violin and present in the sudden fog extrinsic to the warm, hot morning.

I am reminded that i rarely treat those i meet as if she were Christ. I am brought back to this morning when i angrily stared at the man who cut me off and to yesterday when the older woman’s phone call with her father irked me.

I am present and busy and trusting.

I didn’t realize until recently that I struggle to trust. I don’t trust that people want to be around me. I don’t trust that people won’t tire of me. I don’t trust that God loves me. But I am learning. and today feels full of trust and i think thats why i feel beautiful today.

i feel beautiful today

the joy of unnoticed freckles and waking alone 1

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ive never seen so soft a rain. it looks almost like snow, but it is not mist.  the birds and i rejoice because it will never cease to floor us that rain falls. then i look at the bird and wonder at its voice. sharp, clear, but (like the rain) soft. i have a theory that things only grow because the birds sing.
when it rains my chest feels full the same way it does in that moment in a song when the sounds become mimetic. i have a theory that the primary reason i’m still a christian is because i keep finding Jesus the most beautiful, the most true.(this is grace). today i am afraid that i enjoy waking alone too much to ever share the mornings with someone. i’d like to fall asleep together and wake apart so it is always just me, the birds, the rain. i have a theory that london was so hard because of the three feet between my bed and the window.

the joy of unnoticed freckles and waking alone 1