i feel beautiful today

partially because my skin has finally cleared (i credit coffee grounds and coconut oil) and my hair is clean and i’ve been eating well and running lots.

but mostly because i feel at peace. i feel receptive to beautiful things and reconciled to the part of me that is always crying (for you, for my friend, for those gone, for those broken, for me). i feel ready for the long hours of studying today, the long test tomorrow morning followed by the long catching up for the long grad school Faulkner class tomorrow night followed by the long night of packing before the long flight home and the immediate doctors appointment.

I feel present here. and beautiful because life seems to be swirling and full of interlaced pain and joy of things i do not understand and cannot fathom. i feel present in the unseen vestiges of love in me and the unseen swelling of my heart for those near to me and the bucolic nature of morning porch swings. i feel present in the open chord on the violin and present in the sudden fog extrinsic to the warm, hot morning.

I am reminded that i rarely treat those i meet as if she were Christ. I am brought back to this morning when i angrily stared at the man who cut me off and to yesterday when the older woman’s phone call with her father irked me.

I am present and busy and trusting.

I didn’t realize until recently that I struggle to trust. I don’t trust that people want to be around me. I don’t trust that people won’t tire of me. I don’t trust that God loves me. But I am learning. and today feels full of trust and i think thats why i feel beautiful today.